2/18/11

Rear View Girls: I Got Caught

Just as I was leaving the house for work on Thursday morning, my roommate Steve Lutsk showed me a video on his iPhone. Some girl had strapped a camera to her butt and trolled Los Angeles trying to catch guys stealing glances. Alas, 1:12 into the video, I saw that I had been caught.

To make matters worse, I had my arm around my girlfriend Ashley Brown when Camera-Butt passed by! We had just finished a nice day of shopping as a couple and were headed to Whole Foods when BAM....

...I'm on the Internet.

When I saw the video (below) I couldn't believe it. I felt betrayed. For 26 years, I've had a silent understanding with butts: I'll look at you, if you don't look at me. Now all of a sudden I have to watch out for Big Brother's brown eye sizing me up from between girls' butt cheeks? I don't think so. We had an agreement!

After watching the video a few more times at work (and getting increasingly nervous with every 100k hits), I noticed that I barely even look down at the camera. If anything I mostly look away as we turn the corner. Still, I can’t deny that I’d ignore someone who’d flaunt their stuff so obviouslykind of like this fat man riding a bicycle in a bikini I saw on Santa Monica. But then I started to remember the day, and I swear that I remember seeing something...

It hit me. I remembered looking at a girl's behind that day as she crossed the street because it looked like she had a battery pack strapped to her belt. I even remember saying to Ashley, "Hey, that looks like a battery pack strapped to her belt." Praise the lord I had found my alibi! The ass in question wasn't even all that interestingcertainly not as provoking as the twice-than-life-sized Victoria Secret posters that dot the area. This would surely blow over in no time.

Then the emails came.

Roommates. Friends. Former coworkers. College buddies. It was on Barstool sports. My buddy’s little sister posted on my Facebook wall. The video was nearing a million views. My world was crumbling. Texts came in from people asking if I was okay, if Ashley had seen it (her coworker showed her that morning). I sat at my desk all day dreading a call from Time magazine or worse... People magazine! Not all scandals turn out bad, right?

Right?

As far as scandals go, there are really only two kinds: the ‘so-wrong-but-kinda-classy’ JFK/Monroe scandal, and the ‘what-was-he-thinking’ Clinton/Lewinsky scandal. While the differences are significant, all high profile scandals share the same quality—they are easily swept under rug and forgotten about. Good news for me.

Take former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer’s (right) frequent rendezvous with prostitute Ashley Dupré. Facing certain impeachment, Spitzer resigned and made a half-hearted public apology. His wife was forced to stand next to him as he confessed his sinful ways to the media. His penance? He gets an offer to host his own show on CNN with Kathleen Parker. More good news for me! (If it’s any consolation to the rest of you, the show bombed.)


Most guys caught in scandals don’t really get away with it, but lately nobody seems to care. Remember South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford (left)? Exactly. That guy flaunted his Argentinean affair in front of the state legislature and what did he get in return? Censure. Granted his wife and sons left him because he's a dick, but CENSURE? They didn't even impeach the guy! I'm certainly in the clear.



But Last week the whole game changed when NY congressman Chris Lee (right) got caught sending a topless photo of himself (right) to a woman on Craigslist. The ad was "Will someone prove to me not all CL men look like toads?" Their spicy exchange included the following tidbits:

  • “Hope I'm not a toad. :)”
  • “So when was your last date. And how did it go”


That’s it? No sleazy prostitutes, no international rendezvous, no abuse of taxpayer dollars. Just a stupid guy who thought no one would notice when he went all Miley Cyrus on his Blackberry. If scandals were steaming piles of horse dung, this would be the fly's fart. The surprising thing is that he willing resigned with an earnest apology as soon as Gawker made the exchange public.

If this is the new state of scandals in our nation, I’m screwed.

Taking a tip from Lee, I've decided to issue my own public apology for my widely publicized misstep. An excerpt:

"To my family, I am deeply sorry. To my country, I am a disgrace. To planet Earth, you should just swallow me up in a fissure. To God, strike me down with a thunderbolt and damn me to an eternity of mauling by rabid wolverines. And to my girlfriend, Ashley, I swear she was wearing a battery pack."

1/20/11

Posthumous Twitter Accounts


JFK now has his own Twitter account about 50 years too late. According to ABC News, The JFK Presidential Library is creating the virtual ex-president to commemorate his inauguration... 140 characters at a time. He's even started re-tweeting old news articles and quotes from the likes of Richard Nixon and Walter Cronkite.

It's my hope that this begins a new trend of posthumous Twitter conversations. A few historic tweets to envision:


That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.


@MoonManNo1 That’s what she said.


@Buzzy2 Doesn’t make sense, dbag. Don’t be jeal


@MoonManNo1 imaboutto LEAVE you on this moon, b.




Kite thing went cr8zy 2day. Gotta get my drank on to shake the shakes (@ Paddy’s Brothel w/ 6 others)




@Watson Come here I wanna see you!


@AGBell 's aight. im cool


@Watson But I just invented the telephone!


@AGBell #obsolete




So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.


@SonOMan I said I was sorry


@MMagdeline ‘sup slut



@SonOMan Are you tweeting again? You know how I feel about you tweeting. You are grounded!


#FML

8/14/09

Sunburned Penguin Wetsuit

Ralph, a penguin at the Hampshire zoo, has been given a homemade wetsuit to protect against sunburn during the day and chills at night. You're probably asking yourself right now, Where can I get my very own penguin wetsuit? Bill Hall explains how to make your own:
"It's quite easy, really. You get someone to donate a second hand wetsuit, you grab your penguin, you drop it down the leg of the wetsuit, you measure where all of it's things stick out, you cut holes. There you go. Penguin wetsuit."
I don't know what's cuter, the penguin or the guy talking about the penguin.

The US had it's own penguin wetsuit story in April 2008, but this one focused on how Pierre (the penguin) "got his mojo back." The CNN anchor (using my #1 least favorite adverb) also added, "Apparently, the ladies are very happy to have their old Pierre back." Apparently, CNN are experts on penguin mating habits and attraction.



A final thought: why do we need a team of expert biologists to custom order our penguins' wetsuits when zookeepers in England are fashioning their own à la MacGyver?

6/10/09

Snap Into a Slim Jim

Coincidence... OR CONSPIRACY?!

Two people are dead and nearly 40 were injured yesterday after an explosion rocked ConAgra's Slim Jim factory in Garner, North Carolina.

Although a tragedy, the blatant irony is unavoidable:



Also in yesterday's news, WWE released a brand new 3-disk DVD set, Macho Madness: The Randy Savage Ultimate Collection DVD.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage was suspiciously unavailable for comment after the Garner incident.

6/4/09

L&C: Irish-less Boston?

In today's Letters & Correspondence, we have a guest writer. Little is known about this young man other than that (he wears glasses and a yellowed undershirt over his portly middle) and (he wordlessly dropped this hand-written letter on the counter of my grandmother's Irish import store in Pittsburgh). Sadly, he fled the mall before I could realize the (genius) of his letter; however, I have decided to share his inspiring thoughts with (you).


The Italian North End? Irish Southie? But I digress... As Mr. Rulli challenges (traditional) history, I also challenge you to submit your own response to this debate. If not to him via USPS, then to me via BLOG. Ciao.