Sunburned Penguin Wetsuit

Ralph, a penguin at the Hampshire zoo, has been given a homemade wetsuit to protect against sunburn during the day and chills at night. You're probably asking yourself right now, Where can I get my very own penguin wetsuit? Bill Hall explains how to make your own:

"It's quite easy, really. You get someone to donate a second hand wetsuit, you grab your penguin, you drop it down the leg of the wetsuit, you measure where all of it's things stick out, you cut holes. There you go. Penguin wetsuit."

I don't know what's cuter, the penguin or the guy talking about the penguin.

The US had it's own penguin wetsuit story in April 2008, but this one focused on how Pierre (the penguin) "got his mojo back." The CNN anchor (using my #1 least favorite adverb) also added, "Apparently, the ladies are very happy to have their old Pierre back." Apparently, CNN are experts on penguin mating habits and attraction.



A final thought: why do we need a team of expert biologists to custom order our penguins' wetsuits when zookeepers in England are fashioning their own à la MacGyver?

Snap Into a Slim Jim

Coincidence... OR CONSPIRACY?!

Two people are dead and nearly 40 were injured yesterday after an explosion rocked ConAgra's Slim Jim factory in Garner, North Carolina.

Although a tragedy, the blatant irony is unavoidable:

Also in yesterday's news, WWE released a brand new 3-disk DVD set, Macho Madness: The Randy Savage Ultimate Collection DVD.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage was suspiciously unavailable for comment after the Garner incident.

L&C: Irish-less Boston?

In today's Letters & Correspondence, we have a guest writer. Little is known about this young man other than that (he wears glasses and a yellowed undershirt over his portly middle) and (he wordlessly dropped this hand-written letter on the counter of my grandmother's Irish import store in Pittsburgh). Sadly, he fled the mall before I could realize the (genius) of his letter; however, I have decided to share his inspiring thoughts with (you).


The Italian North End? Irish Southie? But I digress... As Mr. Rulli challenges (traditional) history, I also challenge you to submit your own response to this debate. If not to him via USPS, then to me via BLOG. Ciao.

Sportings!

In light of last night's tragic loss to the Red Wings, I'd like to offer a piece of wisdom to Penguins' coach, Dan Bylsma.

Hire Sean Chuthers, the next hockey super-star. He's got heart, a killer wrister and "skills on the playing surface (ice)." He's even got an eye for dramatic hockey, something that takes even the best players months of watching themselves on ESPN to figure out. He's well-read and already has his own jersey. All you'd have to do is stick Sean on the ice and watch him take over (the jock-strap-jean-shorts combination is also a plus). But don't take my word for it—take his.


With a cast like (Blonde Jagr, Speed Ball, Muskeetoe and Mike) how could you not hire him? In closing, I'd like to re-quote Sean's quote:

We love you. You're the greatest. You're going straight to the top. Trust me on this one. You're big. You're gonna get bigger. You could be... the biggest. ~Barry Williams

G20: Pittsburgh!

The next G20 summit will be held in our very own Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. After the initial excitement of having such a high profile meeting in our modest little village, we began asking ourselves: "Pittsburgh? WTF?"

Most news sources chalk the surprising decision up to our amazing comeback from (a smoggy steel town with nothing to offer except for three polluted rivers and rampant black lung) to (a real city). They think that staging the G20 summit here will show the world that real urban change is possible. Before jumping into a hilarious analysis of our urban renewal, I'd like to provide you with

A Brief History of Pittsburgh.

1779 - Indians. They're dead.
1816 - Pittsburgh. It's official.
1872 - Heinz. Anti-union.
1892 - Carnegie & Frick. Really rich & violently anti-union.
1945 - Steel. Lots of it.

1945 steel was selling faster than 1995 pogs, but the demand would never be as great as it was during WWII. The rest of the world started producing steel like maniacs so most steel towns in Western PA buckled (Oil City, Braddock, etc) except for Pittsburgh.

(cue hilarious analysis)

Soon, we elect Mayor David L. Lawrence who, at the end of his term, displaces low income residents to build a $22 million hockey arena. Historic Allegheny City, present day North Side, was significantly demolished to create some apartments to make it look like we didn't forget about the displaced residents. This pumps people up for a while (minus the newly homeless) so we scrape together another $55 million for a football/baseball arena. In 1974, we spend a lot of money on a big park with a fountain so that we have some green space from which to gaze at our new stadium.

The steel industry is still shrinking, but more businesses are suddenly growing: banking, education, ketchup.

BUT NOT FOR LONG!

The 1970s and 80s see huge layoffs in manufacturing. Steel mills have been closing like woah and—the icing on the cake—Heinz sells their century old factory to Del Monte. Pittsburgh doesn't know what to do. We're pumping out college grads faster than the Irish conceive, jobs are plenty filled up already, the public transit authority's pants are sagging with debt, our pets' heads are falling off...

What could we possibly do to improve our situation?

( t h i s )

It is my hope that when leaders of G20 nations come to our great city, they see our shining example and take note: the only way to thwart a global recession is to build expensive stadiums where overpaid athletes can play their blood sport.*

God speed, gentlemen of the world... God speed.

*Let's go Pens!